Planning, planning, planning

Spent the day planning for class next Monday and the course I'm teaching next semester.

I thank the Heavens for the teacher who provided me with her syllabus for next semester. It has a core that is solid and a framework that I can hang things on. God bless her and her kind!

But now, I'm done for the day. My eyes are oougy from being at the computer screen since 7am and I am done. done. done.

XO, XO,
Anne

Starting the semester

It's been an interesting couple of weeks here in academia; getting the schedules right and students registered for classes and wondering how some students really understand more than their own perspectives and how other students seem only to view the world through their own needs.

It's very interesting watching a new student do exactly what she wants to do when she wants to do it, no matter whether you have made limits clear to her or not, whether you have asked something from her and whether or not she has bothered to provide it.

I am reacting to it. I am frustrated and disgusted and want her away, away, away from my program. I want her never to darken by doorstep again. And yet, here she is, again, obviously to teach me a lesson about something.

Perhaps patience? Perhaps tolerance?

God help me, please?

Trying to shake the creepy crawlies

I've been reading Ms. Mentor's new and ever more Impeccable Advice for Women and Men in Academia.

And now I've got a case of the creepy crawly anxiety bugs.

After beating my way through several projects this summer, I'm back to wondering what's next on the bucking-for-tenure agenda and what my priorities are.

Well, I know what's on the agenda, tentatively, but I'm having trouble, just like at the beginning of the summer, determining priorities.

This has never been a problem for me before. I always seemed to know what to pay attention to first, second and third with fairly little amounts of energy. At the beginning of the summer however, I found myself floundering around with several projects, grappling with not knowing where to begin.

Do I start with the projects I know I can finish easily? Do I tackle the really big ones that are in such beginning stages that I don't really know where to start with them? If I dive into the big ones, will I come out of them in time to attend to the little one before they are due? Which little ones are actually valid and important and worth doing? Which of any of them are actually valid and important and worth doing?

Good grief. This is irritating. I'm in transition again. Okay, it's just transition. I can do transition. It just takes slowing down to be here and letting what needs doing come forward.

Sigh. Deep breath.

Sigh.

Precious.

I don't even know how to describe the moments of teaching in class today.

Some were tedious. The going over of the syllabus had its slow moments.

But the experiential? In which, after their semester worth of playing together in drumming lab, we improvised together with? And the processing afterward?

My God. Precious. Their healthy inner lives. Their willingness to let each other be who they are. The way they listened to each other. They way they talked about their experiences of being in the music and what they heard, both in their own music and that of their peers.

Stunning.

My God. Enough in that hour to get me through a whole semester of work.

That they were as inspired as I.

Birth and Death

This has been a year and a half of upheaval to be sure.

I'm not slowing down today to really post and probably won't for a while, but I am here today for two reasons.

The first is to say, "Welcome!" to Husband's very first grandbaby. She is amazing and beautiful.

The second is to take a moment to recognize the loss of Odis' brother. Husband and I send so much love to you and yours Odis.

Home again

Didn't know I was gone in the first place, did you? :o)
Neither did I!!!

Uncle Charlie died last Monday. This is a man was a great mentor to Husband.

So, we trotted ourselves east to his memorial service on Friday and spent time with cousins and 2nd cousins and swapped stories and heard stories and played basketball and had a beer or two and slept in a terrible bed and ate submarine sandwiches and talked some more.

It was very, very good to be there.

Summer Progress

Since returning from vacation/conference, I've been in a much better frame of mind. I've also tackled some of the smaller, rather than the larger, projects on my plate. This was a good move. Not only have I gotten three of them off my desk, but I'm well into number four. Once I get four and five done, I'm hoping to have a few weeks in August to prep for my fall and spring courses.

In the meantime, just havinf the first three off my desk and "in play" provides a great sense of relief, which allows for better functioning all around.

I am also maintaining a more sane pace right now. I don't work every minute of the day. I take time off to spend with friends, sleep, and veg. I'm restocking the energy reserves for when the shit hits the fan again in the fall.

Anne, turtle, will make it to the finish line just fine. She doesn't have to be a rabbit. Nope. It's going to be just fine (::crosses fingers::).

I've been everywhere, man.

I've been to Moab, and Ouray, and Salt Lake.

I've seen arches and bridges and pictoglyphs.

I've been to Gooseneck Park and Canyon de Chelly.

I've seen red rocks and buttes and mesas.I've been in the Navaho Nation, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, and New Mexico.
I've seen the Mormon Tabernacle, the Million Dollar Highway, and the Telluride gondola.

I'm telling you. I've been everywhere, man.

(Photos courtesy of Odis and the smiley blue memory stick)

Gone to see the desert

Dear Otis,

Indeed! I am packing. I have 2 ounce tubes of toothpaste and hair spray and shampoo. 

I bought cute new tops like this:

And, because I'm going to a conference after the desert, cute new sandals too:

I'm ready! Husband is ready. 

Now all we have to do is wait for Saturday!!

XO, XO,

Anne

Get me out of this!

I have had several instances of desiring to be released from this job. I was too dismissive of these desires to pay them any attention. I felt that they were selfish and cowardly. 

I allowed the fantasy to play through this morning and felt the absolute joy of being released from all of this responsibility. 

I went and took a shower. I realized that I am martyring myself again, but for whom this time? 

For the community I realized. 

I must suffer and prove that I am worthy enough for you. 

It is from this belief that I need release, not this job.

I am worthy enough for you. I am a good employee. I am a good person to have around in a crisis. I am loving. I am kind. I am generous. I can set and hold limits for out of control children. I can love children into their own adulthood. I have opinions. I have research to do and papers to write. I have classes and lessons and practical tips to teach. 

I am worthy, and this belief that I have, the one that says that the hoops I need to jump through to keep this job are about proving that I'm worthy, it's bullshit. 

These aren't hoops. These are job requirements. Publish so that people know who you are, so that people want to come study with you, so that people will come study with you, so that we can keep the doors open, so that you can get paid. Job requirements. No more, no less. 

I need to stop suffering and get to work.